Rebuilding Your Life from the Ashes
By Bobby Collins

One peculiar feature of a stepfamily is that they are built on a negative foundation. A stepfamily couple comes to their new home with a full set of baggage, containing memories, wounds, and habits. Probably the biggest piece of baggage that sits in the way of your developing a new life is your connection to your ex?“spouse.

And, while some ex-es go away physically, many more haunt your life as well as your memories. One of the great mysteries of divorce and remarriage is why many ex-spouses just refuse to turn loose.

It has been said that divorce is the single cruelest thing one person can do to another person. The one soul you trusted more than any other with your secrets, your hopes, and your weaknesses turns from their vows and wrenches themselves from your living heart. The phenomenon of the spiteful, vengeful ex-spouse is such a problem that the majority of emails we receive are on that subject.

However, in working with thousands of stepfamilies around the world, we've found two facts to be true about dealing with these vindictive ex-es (and they?™re nearly always ex-wives!):

1) The kids see the truth. Kids aren't stupid. And, although they have a natural tendency to defend even the worst bio-parent, they can see for themselves when adults lie and use them. They see both sides of the story, in both homes. These kids know what your personalities are like, versus her personality. And they are keeping track of everything she tells them that doesn?™t add up.

Now, this doesn't mean that you can use this fact to try to turn the kids to your side. You must behave in the most Christian manner you can.